Rocko's (Mini) Review Roundup

Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows is a film that doesn't quite seem to know what it wants to be. At times an absurdist, fish-out-of-water comedy and at times straight-up gothic horror, the film's reluctance to go all-in on either side of the ledger ultimately leads to disappointment.

Johnny Depp stars as Barnabas Collins, a man who was turned to a vampire by a witch (played by former Bond-girl Eva Green) and imprisoned for more than a century only to be awakened in the '70s (cue several sight-gags as Barnabas encounters the '70s for the first time - automobiles, hippies and shag carpeting)... and that's about as in-depth as we can get here as the Tim Burton-directed film is actually remarkably shallow.

That being said, though, the film actually made me laugh out loud on a few occasions (one scene involving supernatural intercourse had me howling, as did Barnabas' encounter with the aforementioned hippies) but these moments are often undercut by needless cruelty (either by the witch or by Barnabas himself) as the film tries too hard to straddle the line. Since the film is based on a (delightfully cheesy) '70s soap opera, I feel the film would've been better served playing to the inherent humour (Depp, for his part, seems to revel in the lighter moments by playing Barnabas straight as a board, despite how ridiculous the film may be).

The ending of the film is something I have a real problem with - it's either simply a twist for the sake of a twist, or it's something that screenwriter Seth Grahame-Smith (of Pride And Prejudice And Zombies fame) was trying to allude to throughout the film (arguments could be made for both cases) yet failed to do so in a convincing fashion. Unfortunately, this is just another example of the film sitting firmly on the fence when it should really choose one side or the other. In my opinion, it seemed like a cheap cop-out that was, as it were, the 'final nail in the coffin'. This will ultimately go down as one of the biggest disappointments of the Depp/Burton collaborations.

Geek Score:

5 out of 10 bacon strips

Cabin in the Woods

From the disappointing to the outstanding, Cabin in the Woods is a Joss Whedon-penned horror film that defies conventional genre-wisdom and gleefully circumvents and deconstructs trope after trope as it builds towards an incredible twist-ending. It's the best new horror film in years.

Starring Thor himself, Chris Hemsworth, and four other generic, disposable 20-somethings who make their way to the titular cabin for a spring break weekend (gee, where have we heard this before?) only to find that everything is not quite as it seems.

To even talk about the plot is to give too much away, honestly, as there is so much here that's fresh and new that you're better-served to experience it for yourself. Suffice it to say that if you have seen the commercials and think the ad teams have already given it all away, I'll simply say that you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Director Drew Goddard (Cloverfield) gets competent performances from his cast while keeping the action moving quickly when it calls for it, but he's not afraid to slow things down a bit (as can be often necessary in horror films). The real star of the film, though, is the Whedon-penned screenplay. Fresh, intelligent, scary and funny, it's a truly top-shelf genre picture.

Geek Score:

9 out of 10 bacon strips

The Dictator

No one can ever accuse Sacha Baron Cohen of going for easy laughs. With The Dictator, he takes his certain brand of shock comedy farther than it's been before and while it may not always work, it hits more than it misses and is a huge step-up from his last film, Bruno.

The plot, such as it is, involves Cohen playing the titular character, Admiral-General Aladeen, ruler of the small Middle Eastern nation of Wadiya. He comes to the United States to meet with the United Nations, is subsequently replaced by his body-double and finds himself stranded in the east village of New York where he promptly (and inevitably) falls in love with a short-haired feminist (played with good spirit by Anna Faris). Let`s be honest, though - with Cohen, the plot is just a loose string designed to move us from one gag to another, and the gags mostly hit the mark. In fact, I found myself laughing at a few things that I never thought I would (one scene involving a helicopter tour over Manhattan, in particular, had me literally crying and another bright spot was a faux-documentary on Wadiya talking about how the word Àladeen`is used as an adjective).

Really it would seem that with Cohen, you either `get` him, or you don`t. I get him, so I enjoyed the film. It`s not perfect - the middle act drags a bit, for instance - but as far as R-rated comedies go, you could certainly do much worse.

Geek Score:

7 out of 10 bacon strips

Men In Black 3

I was somewhat surprised when I heard this was Will Smith's first role in over three years. Whether you like him or hate him, he is a definitive 'movie star' - he's got enough cachet to drive a film like The Pursuit of Happyness (sic) to $150 million, so reuniting him with arguably his most well-known franchise would seem like a no-brainer, until you remember just how bad Men In Black 2 was. It was a film that I managed to put out of my head almost the minute after leaving the studio, but the closer we got to the release of this film, the more I remembered just how poorly that film was made. As such, it shouldn't be a surprise that we waited a decade before seeing the third film in the series.

Regardless of whether people asked for it or not, though, here we are - and while this third film may not be particularly necessary in the grand scheme of things, it's an enjoyable sci-fi comedy that - at the very least - helps wash away some of the sour taste that may be left over from the second one.

Agents J (Will Smith) and K (Tommy Lee Jones) are both back, 'defending the Earth from the scum of the universe', but this time they've worked time-travelling into the mix as well as Agent J has to go back in time to save Agent K - and, of course, stop an evil alien who wants to destroy the Earth. In a brilliant piece of stunt-casting, Josh Brolin plays a pitch-perfect 30-year old Tommy Lee Jones as Agent K in 1969. Also new to the cast this time is Emma Thompson as Agent O, who replaces the erstwhile Agent Z (Rip Torn, who apparently had no interest in returning for this one).

The special effects, as has always been the case with this franchise, are relatively top-shelf as the alien creatures look suitably menacing and/or weird.

On the whole, I didn't mind the film, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was watching something totally unnecessary. The film doesn't particularly add anything to the series and Will Smith himself seemed rather dated (He actually used 'shiznit' on multiple occasions), much like a byproduct from another era. In addition, the 3D (of *course* it was in 3D) seemed tacked-on and failed to add anything to the film. If you have the chance to see it in 2D, I'd say go for that. Still, as throwaway, summer popcorn fun, you could do a lot worse than spending 90 minutes with the Men in Black. Just don't expect anything ... *puts on sunglasses* Earth-shattering. (YEAAAAAAAAAH!)

Geek Score:

6 out of 10 bacon strips

What I'm Playing: Diablo 3, Max Payne 3, Walking Dead: The Game

What I'm Reading: Preacher vol. 6, Saga

Tony Stark Is A Very Rich Man

I went to see the new Johnny Depp / Tim Burton collaboration, Dark Shadows, last weekend - so here I was all ready to review that (which would break my string of consecutive 'Golden Bacon' awards at two) until I saw the box office numbers come out.

Allow me to out myself here - in addition to being a bit of a movie geek, I'm also a box office numbers nerd. I track how much films make. I like to estimate opening weekend takes. I take some delight when great, little-known films do well and get positively giddy when paint-by-numbers, big-budget crap takes a financial bath. Now I'm sure you've all heard by now about The Avengers big opening weekend. $207 million. Absolutely astounding, if you stop to think about it. But frankly what I found even more incredible than the opening weekend take was the fact that the *second* weekend take was $103.1 million. Allow me to explain to you (if you at all care) why that is so insane - with movies that open so huge, they inevitably have huge fanboy-rush fervor, leading to everybody who *needs* to see it doing so on their opening weekend. As such, the week-to-week percentage drop (or the reverse, as box office nerds call it, the 'hold') is positively massive. Think of it this way - the more people who see a film in its opening weekend, the fewer people who feel the need to see it in the second (and third, fourth, etc) weekends.

To help illusrate what I'm talking about, let's use the film that Avengers bitch-slapped dethroned as the opening weekend champ - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2. That film opened to $169.2 million. Its second weekend, however, was $47.4 million. That, my friends, represents a massive 72% drop from week-to-week (though you should really take 'midnight showings' out of the equation, but that's getting too technical for now - don't get me started). Let's not forget that Potter was a legitimately *good* film. Another point of reference are the fangirl-friendly Twilight sequels. New Moon opened to $143 million ... and slid off a cliff to $42.8 million in its second weekend. Breaking Dawn was almost identical - $139 opening, $42 second weekend. In general terms, the bigger the opening, the harder the fall. Films simply cannot maintain that sort of fan interest week-to-week anymore. We are a society that demands instant gratification before moving on to the next shiny.

So, that being said, The Avengers' second weekend becomes even more remarkable. Obviously, it was the highest opener of all-time, so even if it duplicated Potter's 72% drop, we'd be looking at around $60 million (or just below Thor's opening weekend). I didn't expect that to happen (for various reasons, including but not limited to - rapturous critical praise and an equally-positive fan reaction, the difference in numbers between the two film's midnight sneak numbers and more), but I was still thinking about a 60-65% drop was in the cards. A hold of 35% to 40% of the audience would put them in striking distance of another record (for those who care, Avatar held the record for the biggest second weekend at $75 million) and in good shape to cross half-a-billion by the time it was all said and done. A few people (including the brilliant folks at Box-Office Prophets) predicted it would top 90-million, but I didn't see it. So when the numbers came in on Sunday morning that they were estimating it over $100 for the weekend, I was positively floored. To think that a film could open that big and then hold almost 50% of its audience week-to-week is positively mind-boggling to me. Right now, Avengers has summarily chewed-up and spit-out almost every box-office record known to man.

So where does the film go from here? Well, here's where it gets fun (and also where I start using arithmetic and extrapolation, so feel free to hit 'snooze' if you need to). For the moment, let's take Avengers first seven days completely out of the equation and pretend, instead, that we are looking at this shiny new film that opened to (a still *very* impressive) $103.1 million. So, as of now, there are 21 films that have crossed the $100 million plateau in their opening weekends since Spider-Man did it a decade ago. Of those 21, their overall box-office range from $234 million (the positively dreadful X-Men: The Last Stand - screw you, Brett Ratner! etc.) to $533 million (the positively superlative The Dark Knight) with the average being $356 million. Now let's take say, for argument's sake, that Avengers makes that average amount from its second weekend on (which, frankly, seems like a sure thing, given the film's critical reception and rapturous word-of-mouth). Now we take the $270 million (!!!) the film made in its opening week and tack that on and we get ... ta-da! $626 million. A number within spitting distance of Titanic for second-place all-time (and would have been *ahead* of said film were it not for the 3D re-release earlier this year).

This gets me to the crux of my argument here - Avengers has an even-money-or-better chance to topple Titanic to become the second highest-grossing film of all-time and an outside shot of taking down the big dog, Avatar (as an aside - how absolutely ludicrous is it that James Cameron has the top *two* highest-grossing films of all-time? You may not like the guy, but his directing style clearly appeals to a number of people). Frankly, I'd love to see that happen. As you read, I positively loved the film and am eagerly promoting it to anyone who'll listen. Plus, for the longest time, pre-Titanic, nerds held the box office crown (a little ditty called Star Wars - perhaps you may have heard of it?) and gorramnit, it's time we took it back. So if you haven't seen it yet - what the hell are you waiting for? And if you *have* seen it and find yourself with 2.5 hours to kill - honestly, with May sweeps over now, there's not a lot of TV on, right? - why not go see it again?

This weekend will be fun. As I mentioned way back at the beginning of this tale (If there's anyone still reading by this point, anyway), the bigger the opening, the harder the drop - but after that big drop, things tend to level out substantially, so the film's multiplier (opening weekend divided by total gross ... /nerd) stretches its legs a bit. Basically, if Avengers can hold 60% or more of its audience in week 3, it'll have a real shot at the record. If it drops to 'only' 50-million (I can't see it dropping lower than that), then it'll probably have to set course for the iceberg and aim for number two all-time.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the wall up with our English dead.

What I'm Playing: - Diablo III, Mass Effect 3, Max Payne 3 (I'm sensing a theme here...)

What I'm Reading: - Green Lantern (new 52).

"You can be damned sure we'll Avenge it."

From the opening credits to the (immensely satisfying) finale, The Avengers is the most fun I've had in a movie theatre in a long time. It combines memorable characters, a funny script and some of the coolest action sequences ever put to film. It is, quite simply, a triumph - and it's more than worthy of my (sort of) prestigious Golden Bacon Award.

Few films have been as ambitious or intriguing as the concept for The Avengers. The idea for the film was kicked around Hollywood for years, but it wasn't until Marvel Studios started taking control of their own brand and characters that it seemed legitimately possible to pull off. The seeds were planted in the post-credits scene of 'Iron Man', where Tony Stark meets Samuel L. Jackson's Nick Fury. Then over the course of four more films (Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor and Captain America), water, sun and a little fertilizer was added. Basically, Marvel Studios has created this one, unified world and managed to populate it with all of these characters. The fact that these individuals keep appearing in each other's films keeps awareness high and ties it all together extremely well. And now, the payoff - when we finally get to see all of these characters together in the same film, at the same time, is immensely satisfying. Plus, the fact that Joss Whedon wrote and directed it doesn't hurt either.

In all, Avengers is one of the most satisfying movie experiences I've ever had the pleasure of attending. It positively glows in just about every aspect. The dialogue is smart when it has to be, cornball when it calls for it, and there're more than a few positively brilliant one-liners (usually - but not entirely - from the mouth of Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark). Even speaking as someone who's not particularly fond of 3D, I didn't find it to be forced or distracting. There were no blatant 'money shots' - if you could ever accuse the 3D gimmick of being 'understated', this film would be the one to do it. It's there, and you notice it, but it's not distracting. It does what it's supposed to - it adds to the film without making a 2D version of the film unwatchable (which, when you're kicking in an extra three bucks for the 'option' of seeing a film in 3D, is really all you can ask for).

The plot involves Loki (Thor's half-brother/nemesis, introduced in Thor's movie just last year - which is great because there's no need to spend half an hour setting up the villain) trying to steal the Tesseract - a cube of extraterrestrial origin that was introduced (you guessed it) in Captain America's film. For what it's worth, the film is full of little things like this that do a great job of creating a sense of unity between these disparate characters. Anyway, Loki steals the Tesseract from SHIELD and Nick Fury calls on the Avengers (Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Bruce Banner/Hulk) to save the day. I won't delve much further into the plot because I don't want to spoil anything, but let it be said that while the plot moves forward in a relatively linear fashion, it doesn't always do what you expect it will. Joss Whedon does a great job of handling all of these characters and keeping the action moving forward, but the direction never feels muddied or bogged down. He's essentially got six lead characters, but the pacing is so even that you never really feel like one's getting shafted at the expense of the others. He keeps the film moving quickly and efficiently.

As something of a comic book nerd in addition to film geek, there were at least three occasions where I geeked out so hard that I almost left my seat and shot into orbit. Joss, being something of a comic book geek himself - he's done several turns as lead writer in Marvel books in the past - clearly knows and has a certain amount of affection for these characters and the world they inhabit. Again, I won't go into detail because I want everyone to experience these moments for the first time, but I will say that I had a big, dumb, goofy grin on my face the entire time.

For me (and most others, I would imagine), the gold standard when it comes to comic book films is The Dark Knight. That being said, however, I find The Dark Knight to be simply a great 'film' - that just happens to be based on a comic book. Avengers is now, unquestionably the best *comic book* film I've seen. Does that make sense? It revels in its source material and, above all, is simply a joy to watch. I could sit here and heap more superlatives upon it, but really, it's 2.5 hours of glowing nerdgasm in 3D (or not) and I am absolutely going to see it again.

Your move, Dark Knight.

Geek Score: 10 Bacon Strips out of 10 - Golden Bacon Award

What I'm Playing: NHL 12 (playing as the goalie is hard), Mass Effect 3 for XBox 360

What I'm Reading: Preacher, vol. 6

- EP